Wednesday, August 16, 2006

New Rule.

Let's just clear up any misunderstanding HERE and NOW:

By the time I get to the end of this sorry little tale and fully explain
NEW RULE, most of you will declare this is not a new rule. It's a GIVEN. Unless you have a broken male X chromosome (they call it a Y?) you know this.

This would be understood without restating it clearly or even writing it down for all time.

Apparently not. So here it is:

someone - for the sake of argument let's say husband or as I like to call him: Spousal Unit 2 - of 26 plus years, gets up to let the dawg in at 10:38 p.m. and the dawg takes so long to cross the living room threshold that a neighborhood BAT decides to come along inside and fly from one end of the house to the other, proceed with the following steps:

Spousal Unit 1's head with the blankets. (Genetically X speaking, this would be my preferred "there's a bat in the house" position of choice.)
Get a broom and towel/trash bag for possible trapping needs.
Dispose of creature by whatever means necessary.
Let me know when it's over.

Simple. Obvious?

Instead the following incident took place: I watched 2 back-to-back episodes of The Gilmore Girls (I believe we're nearing last year's Season Finally, gearing up for the new Season Premiere) and went to bed at approximately 10 p.m. At which time I seem to have fallen into a deep and immediate R.E.M. state of sleep. I believe there was a full length feature film running through my dreams by 10:38. I know this was the time the film ended from the digital numbers in red on the nightstand that came into focus, just as someone flooded the room with overhead search lights. For all I knew in my still incoherent state these were the lights I was supposed to follow and heaven help me: I was being beaten with a broom?

Lord help me. Someone chose instead the following BAT elimination procedure:

Throw on every light in the house.
Grab a broom.
Yank every blanket
off Spousal Unit 1 and shout: GET A TOWEL!
Slam the broom onto the middle of the bed. (*)
Trap BAT against ...Or very near... My

I'm am not kidding nor making any of this up!

I should mention at this point the humidity factor is hovering at near 100% and I'm wearing very little. My dream
movie theatre has just been evacuated for some unknown reason and Spousal Unit 2 has trapped a bat against my ass. From here on he will be known as the fool - even though it's been done here. I think I will have earned some slight copyright infringement hereafter?

Now Sara and Will had arrived home at approximately 9 pm as
Prince William is leaving on Friday for his post graduate school in Minnesota. She has at least one more year of UMaine Grad school commitment left. There is most likely going to be a Time of Great Sadness for the next year of long distance relationships, but we'll deal with it as it comes. They were moving his computer desk & chair into Sara's room, rather than storing it in his family's attic. For all I knew they had settled into the living room to watch more Battlestar Galactica DVD or something. And the fool wants me to get him a towel?

William had actually left by then and Sara was aware of the BAT as it had circled down to her room multiple times. She had pulled the blankets over her head by now in the
Genetically X preferred "there's a bat in the house" position of choice.

(*) She does note this morning that she knows now what my ear splitting scream will sound like should our town ever be invaded by actual hostiles.


Sheepish Annie said...

Oh. My. God. For the record, let me clearly state that I was laughing with you and not at you. And we shouldn't be laughing at all, really. Assicus Baticus (Common AssBat) is actually one of the more dangerous of the species, often inciting overly excitable spouses to acts of immense stupidity. I'm sure that, under normal circumstances, the spousal unit is quite sane and logical.

suttonhoo said...

I'm impressed that spousal unit #2 remembered the most important rule: bring a towel

stephani nola said...

gosh, so sorry i missed another bat incident..

way to go, dad.

did he put it in our FREEZER, of all places, like past rodents? grosssssss.

RandomRanter said...

Nancy Martin just posted what was in part a bat experience on Lipstick Chronicles ( today, if you every want to show an alternate route to SP2.

Jane said...

LOL. We had a bat in the house a while back too - but my story is not nearly as funny as yours!